Category Archives: Just Stuff

Mabon Gratitude

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This is my favourite time of year. I love the autumnal misty mornings, dewy cobwebs, abundance of hedgerow food and the colder, darker days and nights. This is the time of year when I am most myself. Not to mention Samhain is only a few weeks away and that makes me as happy as a child with unlimited access to the sweet shop!

(Image located here)

One of the traditions of Mabon is to be thankful. Because of my depression I often forget to be grateful; too caught up in all the bad to remember how much good there is in my life. Let me share a few of the excellent things I am thankful for this year:

1 – Having my best friend in my life. Yes, he’s been around for a long time now, but every year that passes increases how thankful I am for having met and got to know him. Thank you to (image of train is an in-joke)

(image of Charlie the diesel shunter from here because I can’t find my picture!)

2 – Making a new friend. Sometimes you are just in the right place at the right time and this person came along when I was looking for more online pagan connections and her online moot is fabulous. Thank you to

(Raven image found here)

3 – Mobility – I am thankful that I can walk for a couple of hours at a time, visiting a variety of woodland, scrub and river locations easily from my home. I am thankful that I am fit enough to do so and to enjoy doing so. There is nothing more calming than walking in nature.

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Beautiful old oak king on an abandoned golf course near my home

4 – I am grateful that I can afford to bake wonderful foods combining an abundance of ingredients which I can buy from any shop or pick from the wild. I am thankful that I have access to such a cornucopia when so many have little or nothing in this world.

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Apple cake and white bread made this morning.

Above all, I am incredibly thankful that I can practice my beliefs without censure and without fear in a world where this is true for so few. I am aware of how privileged I am and I try to show my thankfulness by helping others wherever and whenever I can in any way I can. It may not be much but – and Tesco have it right for once – every little counts. Imagine all those little things, every small action, building and growing and it is just possible to imagine the world as a better, more accepting, more peaceful place.

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A small celebration I did this morning including apples from my garden and from the wild, plus some berries and leaves and Green Man incense from the wonderful Goddess & Green Man shop in Glastonbury.

Thank you for reading; I’m grateful 😉

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I Made This…

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From a random Google search

Me! Yep, you heard me right. I made this, me, who I am and that means I have no right to blame anyone else for how I think or feel. The choices – to be happy, depressed, angry, joyful, wicked, good, mean, generous et al – were, are and will be mine to make. Yes, I am well aware that, as a child, I had no control over what was done to me (verbal/physical abuse, not sexual) but when I was freed from the confines of ‘home’ – and I use the word generally – I made every single choice then and through the years up to this day.

I chose to give up on therapy sessions because I couldn’t take the pain they evoked. I chose never to go back and to work through my issues, at first alone and then with my best friend. I chose to be angry, depressed, suicidal, to drink, to comfort eat and cry day in and day out. I chose not to keep trying various treatments for my depression/bi-polar because I didn’t like the way the tablets made me feel. I chose all that pain, all that misery, and all those days of screaming rage which didn’t just affect me, but those around me, especially said friend.

I chose to allow other people to dictate the way I lived my life. I chose not to live true to what I thought and felt because the laws, ethics, morals and religions of other people said what I thought, did and wanted was wrong… by their standards. I chose to be ashamed of myself because I put weight on, got out of shape, because I allowed other peoples judgements and opinions to dictate how I thought and felt. The infamous ‘they’ told me constantly that nothing I said or did was good, right or in accordance with their strictures and therefore I had to learn to batten down my natural impulses, thoughts and ideas to ‘fit in’. I didn’t, I could never ‘fit in’, but oh I could choose to act the part, and I did, for almost 50 years.

I chose to take on the burden of guilt. I chose to never feel good enough, to never feel I had given or done enough for everyone else. I chose to nurture every other soul but my own. I chose to allow my depression, anxieties and lack of self-worth to grow, to be fed by every action I chose which was not in accordance with what my soul wanted or needed. I chose to live a life which was no life at all, only a shell of lies and pretense built to bury the ‘unacceptable’ me, the soul who was begging to get out.

Last year I turned 50. I told myself I was going to change things. I told myself I was going to start feeding my soul and learn how to let go of guilt. I told myself I was going to learn to cope with my bad days by focusing on the positive, by not allowing the negative to overwhelm me – I told myself I was going to choose to live instead of exist.

It has taken me over a year (my birthday was in April) to get even this far. I can’t begin to pretend I am anywhere near achieving my goal, but I have made tiny baby steps. Small things like letting go of needing to help everyone and everything that crosses my doorstep. I am beginning to choose which I give help to. I am learning to choose to step back when I cannot help any more, or at all, instead of pushing on regardless, draining myself of energy, love and wisdom for a lost cause. I am choosing to say no a little more often. I am choosing to do things which please me, not everyone else. Small things, but every small step feels like a giant leap after 50 years of making the wrong choices because I thought I could not be me.

I AM ME – I am flawed, fragile, uncertain, lack confidence, wildly emotional, but I am also loving, generous, wise and stronger than I think. I can be me and I can choose not to care what anyone else thinks about that… eventually. One step at a time 😉