Category Archives: Just Stuff

Mabon Gratitude


This is my favourite time of year. I love the autumnal misty mornings, dewy cobwebs, abundance of hedgerow food and the colder, darker days and nights. This is the time of year when I am most myself. Not to mention Samhain is only a few weeks away and that makes me as happy as a child with unlimited access to the sweet shop!

(Image located here)

One of the traditions of Mabon is to be thankful. Because of my depression I often forget to be grateful; too caught up in all the bad to remember how much good there is in my life. Let me share a few of the excellent things I am thankful for this year:

1 – Having my best friend in my life. Yes, he’s been around for a long time now, but every year that passes increases how thankful I am for having met and got to know him. Thank you to (image of train is an in-joke)

(image of Charlie the diesel shunter from here because I can’t find my picture!)

2 – Making a new friend. Sometimes you are just in the right place at the right time and this person came along when I was looking for more online pagan connections and her online moot is fabulous. Thank you to

(Raven image found here)

3 – Mobility – I am thankful that I can walk for a couple of hours at a time, visiting a variety of woodland, scrub and river locations easily from my home. I am thankful that I am fit enough to do so and to enjoy doing so. There is nothing more calming than walking in nature.


Beautiful old oak king on an abandoned golf course near my home

4 – I am grateful that I can afford to bake wonderful foods combining an abundance of ingredients which I can buy from any shop or pick from the wild. I am thankful that I have access to such a cornucopia when so many have little or nothing in this world.


Apple cake and white bread made this morning.

Above all, I am incredibly thankful that I can practice my beliefs without censure and without fear in a world where this is true for so few. I am aware of how privileged I am and I try to show my thankfulness by helping others wherever and whenever I can in any way I can. It may not be much but – and Tesco have it right for once – every little counts. Imagine all those little things, every small action, building and growing and it is just possible to imagine the world as a better, more accepting, more peaceful place.


A small celebration I did this morning including apples from my garden and from the wild, plus some berries and leaves and Green Man incense from the wonderful Goddess & Green Man shop in Glastonbury.

Thank you for reading; I’m grateful 😉


I Made This…


From a random Google search

Me! Yep, you heard me right. I made this, me, who I am and that means I have no right to blame anyone else for how I think or feel. The choices – to be happy, depressed, angry, joyful, wicked, good, mean, generous et al – were, are and will be mine to make. Yes, I am well aware that, as a child, I had no control over what was done to me (verbal/physical abuse, not sexual) but when I was freed from the confines of ‘home’ – and I use the word generally – I made every single choice then and through the years up to this day.

I chose to give up on therapy sessions because I couldn’t take the pain they evoked. I chose never to go back and to work through my issues, at first alone and then with my best friend. I chose to be angry, depressed, suicidal, to drink, to comfort eat and cry day in and day out. I chose not to keep trying various treatments for my depression/bi-polar because I didn’t like the way the tablets made me feel. I chose all that pain, all that misery, and all those days of screaming rage which didn’t just affect me, but those around me, especially said friend.

I chose to allow other people to dictate the way I lived my life. I chose not to live true to what I thought and felt because the laws, ethics, morals and religions of other people said what I thought, did and wanted was wrong… by their standards. I chose to be ashamed of myself because I put weight on, got out of shape, because I allowed other peoples judgements and opinions to dictate how I thought and felt. The infamous ‘they’ told me constantly that nothing I said or did was good, right or in accordance with their strictures and therefore I had to learn to batten down my natural impulses, thoughts and ideas to ‘fit in’. I didn’t, I could never ‘fit in’, but oh I could choose to act the part, and I did, for almost 50 years.

I chose to take on the burden of guilt. I chose to never feel good enough, to never feel I had given or done enough for everyone else. I chose to nurture every other soul but my own. I chose to allow my depression, anxieties and lack of self-worth to grow, to be fed by every action I chose which was not in accordance with what my soul wanted or needed. I chose to live a life which was no life at all, only a shell of lies and pretense built to bury the ‘unacceptable’ me, the soul who was begging to get out.

Last year I turned 50. I told myself I was going to change things. I told myself I was going to start feeding my soul and learn how to let go of guilt. I told myself I was going to learn to cope with my bad days by focusing on the positive, by not allowing the negative to overwhelm me – I told myself I was going to choose to live instead of exist.

It has taken me over a year (my birthday was in April) to get even this far. I can’t begin to pretend I am anywhere near achieving my goal, but I have made tiny baby steps. Small things like letting go of needing to help everyone and everything that crosses my doorstep. I am beginning to choose which I give help to. I am learning to choose to step back when I cannot help any more, or at all, instead of pushing on regardless, draining myself of energy, love and wisdom for a lost cause. I am choosing to say no a little more often. I am choosing to do things which please me, not everyone else. Small things, but every small step feels like a giant leap after 50 years of making the wrong choices because I thought I could not be me.

I AM ME – I am flawed, fragile, uncertain, lack confidence, wildly emotional, but I am also loving, generous, wise and stronger than I think. I can be me and I can choose not to care what anyone else thinks about that… eventually. One step at a time 😉