It’s amazing, the things we’ll do to get ahead in life. Before the me you know, the me who drives high-end cars and eats at fine restaurants, I was…
…just Mum. Don’t you loathe that phrase? ‘What do you do? Oh, I’m just a mum’. Like giving life to the next generation means nothing. Yeah, yeah, I know it can all be done in a lab these days, but that has its drawbacks right? Creating life is a personal thing, something supremely beautiful between two people. A test tube and a syringe don’t exactly hit the same level of awesome, am I right? Not to mention procreation can be kinda fun. Come on, I saw you grin slightly there.
In a way, that’s how I got here; the whole fancy cars and restaurants shebang. Sex. Well, a bit more than sex, but that is what it all boils down to, in the end; doesn’t everything? No sex, no people, no unique humanity. You have no idea how much people will pay for that. Actually, you might. If that’s the case, I’ll make sure you get my card before we leave the bar.
Can I get you a refill? Same again? Why am I here? Long story short, even millionaires need a timeout. It’s nice, all the money and fancy stuff, but my life isn’t my own any more. There are legions of people out there right now who are frantically connecting to each other in a desperate attempt to locate me. Don’t worry, they aren’t going to come hurtling through the door any time soon. I’ve ditched all the things with locators, all the gadgets, and I changed clothes too, wearing stuff I bought an hour ago, cash. You think I am paranoid? Believe me, I know from bitter experience; last month they found me via a bug sewn into the elastic in my underwear.
It’s ok to laugh, I did. I even gave the person who thought of it a raise; you gotta acknowledge that kind of ingenuity and dedication to the boss. Maybe they’ll get it one day, stop trying to find me when I take a day off, but I’m not sure I want that, not in my heart of hearts. That means they don’t care anymore and I like that they do.
But this is good, talking to people who have no idea who I am and what I have done. What’s better is that you, people like you, that I meet on my off days, you are all genuinely interested to hear what I do, how I made my money. Your fresh ears often give me fresh eyes, notions I wouldn’t consider when I’m cooped up on the top floor with a constant flood of signatures to add and figures to study. I loathe math but they insist I have to read those graphs and tables. Seriously? Pie-charts just make me hungry.
So what do I do? I make babies. Not me personally, you understand. I’d be a shapeless blob rocking in a psych ward if I’d given birth to a half million children. Yep, that many; each and every one loved and wanted and born from the union of a man and a woman. You thought I was gonna get all scientist on your ass right? Nope, not my style at all. I’ve always been a people person and my company is run on that principle – people first, now and always.
There are groups out there who claim I run, at base level, a modern cathouse, but it’s not that way, I assure you. You see, one day, a decade ago, I was sitting on my front porch, chatting to a girlfriend. She was bemoaning her lot. She wanted kids, couldn’t find the right man to have them with and was panicking in time to the ever louder tick of her biological clock. I happened to know a rather suitable young man. She would never have married him, nor he her, but as sexual partners they were highly compatible. I arranged a meeting between them and proposed they come to an arrangement. They met regularly for sex – separately, they both reported that their times together were explosive, mainly due to there being no constraints of love or relationship complications – until my friend fell pregnant. They drew up a contract which made it clear he was in no way financially responsible for the child and they went on with their solo lives very happily.
Cutting out all the boring stuff between that day and here, I turned it into a business. People come to me when they want children but no relationship. We match people by whatever criteria the pair want – and we have an increasing number of men who come asking for a child without the need to be in a male/female dynamic – and then send them off to have whatever kind of sex they want, no strings, until the pregnancy happens. Contracts are exchanged and away they go, satisfied, often on all fronts, backs, sides… Well, you catch my drift. It’s an extremely lucrative business.
Me? Yes, I did, a couple of times in the early days. I’ve decided on one more time, before the clock hits zero. I want to keep this one, the child of the business I built on love and sex. I’m looking for someone, you know… on my days off